So Let the Pendulum Swing
by Bagatelle
Summary: All Beast Boy wants is to be good enough in Robin's eyes, and all Robin wants is to be good enough in Starfire's eyes. But after a cataclysmic accident, Robin's confidence is stricken down, and Beast Boy must decide what he truly wants...SLASH
1. An Endless Rollercoaster

So Let the Pendulum Swing

"…_Well I've never prayed,  
__But tonight I'm on my knees, yeah;  
__I need to hear some sounds that  
__Recognize the pain in me, yeah;  
__I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind,  
__I feel free, now;  
__But the airwaves are clean and  
__There's nobody singing to me, now;  
__No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,  
__But I'm here, in my mold, I am here, in my mold  
__And I'm a million different people from one day to the next  
__I can't change my mold, no no, no, no, no, no…"  
_—"Bitter Sweet Symphony", The Verve

* * *

Note: I've never written for Teen Titans before…but I love the show to death. Beast Boy is just too cute, and I think pairing him with Robin is simply adorable. I hope this isn't too painful for you guys…and there's more to come if you like this, so don't worry!

* * *

**Chapter One**

I guess it was because I was the youngest of the five of us, and because he was the leader, but for some reason, I had always felt that Robin had all the answers. In every battle, he always seemed to know how to come out on top; how to kick butt, how to grind our enemy's nose into the dirt of justice. He could see their weaknesses like a veteran teacher can tell just who's chewing gum in the back of the classroom. He could pinpoint what we needed to do, always, even if it took him a little longer in some cases when compared to others. He knew what we needed to do to taste sweet victory. Every time.

And for that reason, I suppose, I looked up to him.

He and I were not the best of friends. None of them really considered me their _best_ friend, I knew, because I was stupid, and I had a hard time connecting with them. They were all too serious, except for Star, who was too naïve, really, to consider me anything more than what Robin or Rae or Cy were in her eyes. She thought that everyone should be loved equally, because that made happiness. That girl was always about happiness. Like me, only more controlled; less annoying. At least, in Robin's eyes, she was.

In Robin's eyes, she was beautiful.

We all knew how he felt about her. We could all sense it, from day one, except for Star herself, because she was how she was. Raven said nothing about it, but the moment I had it figured out, I could see a little smirk on her face, like she had a secret, only I knew it, too. Cyborg grinned, and I know now that he, at least, was thinking that Robin and Starfire would end up together. I felt a little pang of it, too; premonition, I suppose you could call it, that after the dismantling of the Teen Titans, the two of them would live happily ever after, _together._ And I accepted that, though I was saddened, as well, for some other reason that I didn't grasp until much, much later.

I joined when I was fifteen. The five of us worked together to keep crime at bay, going through our ups and downs like passengers on an endless rollercoaster, through two years of hardship and good times. And all the time, Rae, Cy, and I all saw that little blossom of romance between Robin and Star bloom and flourish into something fantastic and beautiful. But the two of them denied it, the three of us could tell; Star because of her belief that it was not possible to love any one person more than everyone else, and Robin because he felt that he wasn't good enough.

He never _did_ feel like he was good enough for anything. He always had to be better, because he _could_ be better; there was always room for improvement. And when it came to Starfire, his beautiful alien princess, he could never be the best. And he knew that as well as the rest of us, even though we all urged him on; told him to go for it, come on, man, you know she likes you.

I remember one night, when I woke up at around two in the morning, and felt that something was just _wrong_; like when you get the feeling that there's someone else in the room with you, only you can't see them, and they're _watching_ you. I got out of bed and, after looking around my room for trespassers and finding no one, I got dressed and went up to the roof to cure my goose bumps. The warm summer air made me feel good, for a little bit. I leaned against the railing and looked down into the water rushing around, lapping against the shore of the island, going off forever into the ocean. I closed my eyes and rested my chin in my arms, smelling the thick, salty air, and I remembered my parents for a brief moment. My _disease_. My breaths caught in my throat, horrible and painful, and I wanted to cry. But I didn't, because that feeling of being watched returned. Only this time, when I turned around, I saw Robin standing by the door that led back down into the tower.

I smiled at him and swallowed my tears. "…Hey, dude. What's up?"

"What are you doing up?" he demanded. "It's two in the morning."

"I was about to ask you the same question," I replied, innocently enough, and, when he refused to smile back at me, I turned back around to face the water yet again. He approached me after a moment, his heavy boots _clunk clunk_ing on the cement, and then I saw him lean against the banister to my left out of the corner of my eye. He sighed deeply and started playing with his gloves, and I knew just what he was thinking about. For some reason, it made me feel a little bit angry inside, even though I knew it was foolish to feel that way.

But hey; knowing that something was stupid had never stopped me before.

He laughed suddenly, under his breath, just for a second, and I turned to look at him. He met my gaze and finally returned my smile. "This is ironic, sort of…I mean, I came up here because I wanted to talk to someone, and here _you_ are…though you weren't really the person I was hoping for."

"Gee, thanks," I replied, rolling my eyes. "Let me guess…you were wishing for Star, right?"

That was one of the few times that I ever saw him blush. He went quiet for a bit, peeling paint off of the metal railing, and then he stared accusingly at me. "…How did you know?"

"Because it's obvious, _duh_," I said, breathing roughly out of my nose. "Ever since you two met, you haven't been able to get enough of her. You're always at her side, always protecting her, like some lapdog."

"That's not true!" he growled, startling me. "I'm just trying to get her accustomed to life here on Earth!"

I grunted and changed my head into that of a dog's, barking teasingly at him a few times. "_Oh, I'm Robin, the Dog Wonder, watch me attend to Starfire's every beck and call at the speed of light!_" I woofed, morphing back with the sour look he gave me. I laughed in his face and he punched my arm.

"Shut up," he hissed, his eyes narrow and aggravated as he turned back toward the water. I nursed my arm and glared at him.

"It's the truth, man, just ask Raven and Cyborg," I muttered, avoiding contact with his gaze and staring down at my own green hands. He mumbled something indiscernible and hunched his shoulders, shaking his head. I picked at my teeth thoughtfully. "…Dude, you'd do anything for her. Admit it."

"_I—!_" he started, holding up one finger as if to accuse me of something, then I saw his eyes flash through his mask and he ground his teeth together, changing his mind. I smiled weakly at him once again, shrugging.

"Dude, it's okay to be in love. It happens to everyone at one point or another."

"Oh _really?_" he asked, finding his voice once again. "Then who have _you_ ever been in love with?"

I looked at him in contemplation, cocking my eyebrows. I considered Raven, and the thoughts I had once had about her. How I had once tried so hard to impress her in particular, and how much it had hurt me when I had realized that it was all for nothing; she would never look at me as anything more than half-friend, half-slime on the bottom of her boot. I considered Terra, who had sacrificed herself for us not too long ago; that beautiful girl who had deceived us all and played with my heart in the process. I frowned for a second, remembering those painful weeks when I had been devoted to them.

Then I grinned at him. "Like I'd tell _you_, Boy Blunder."

He shook his head and rolled his eyes, looking up at the stars and the moon overhead, and he sighed again. "…You're right, though," he whispered, as if afraid that Star might be listening in on us. "…I _do_ love her. A…a lot, actually."

I kept grinning, though on the inside, I felt it falter as something panged in my brain. I wished I could stop feeling so strangely. "See? Now was that _really_ so hard?" I asked, stretching and joining him in looking up at the sky. I felt him smile beside me.

"Not really. And…I _do_ feel better, I guess. Now that it's off my chest," he said. And he redirected his smile at me, forcing me to look back at him. He was slightly taller than me, and the wind had tussled his hair during our conversation, a raven lock now dangling rebelliously in front of his right eye. Something caught inside of me, looking at him, and I suddenly felt warm all over, inside and out; warmer even than the summer air had made me feel when I had first stepped out of our air-conditioned haven. I didn't understand it, but I liked it a lot. My grin became full-fledged again, and he laughed a little under his breath once more. "…You're great, Beast Boy. I don't know why I never saw it before, but you are. Maybe we should talk like this more often."

"Yeah," I agreed, feeling safe there next to him. Because he was perfect, and he knew just how to do everything. He had all the answers. He knew all the tricks and always had a master plan. I knew his plan for Starfire. What plan, then, I wondered, did he have for _me?_ "Maybe we _should_."

Whatever it was, I was sure that it was perfect.

We stood there in silence for a while after that, just looking at each other, and I found that I liked that little piece of hair in front of his eye; it made him look as if he had been in battle, and someone had messed up his 'do. And thinking about him in battle, with his moves executed with elegant, almost ballet-esque precision, made me shiver. He blinked at me, noticing my tremor.

"Are you cold?" he asked, confused. I shook my head, quickly thinking up a lie to tell him.

"Ahh…no…I just…got a chill, there," I said. "You know, just…I just got a feeling. Nothing to worry about."

He looked at me carefully for a few more seconds, considering, and then he shrugged it off, peeling his gloves off and cracking his knuckles before gripping the banister with his strong hands. I stared at them, tracing the curves of his bare fingers wrapped around the metal with my green eyes, taking in all the calluses, the scars, the color of his skin. I wondered, all of a sudden, what he looked like without his mask, and I put my hand next to his on the bar, trying to make the action seem unintentional. I studied the differences between our hands, and it made me sad, for some reason; the fact that my hand was smaller and seemed so much less masculine, when compared to his. The fact that I had no scars, and that my skin was as smooth as a frog's; soft and not chaffed by battle, as his were. I closed my eyes and hated, for a moment, the fact that my skin was green.

The fact that I was not like him.

"And Cyborg wonders why you're the leader," I breathed, shaking my head. I felt him turn to look at me, and I realized with a bit of a sickening feeling that he had heard me. He chuckled.

"You're telling me," he responded. "…Why do you _think_ I'm the leader, Beast Boy?"

I swallowed and kept my eyes closed, smelling him, for a moment, and he smelled like something indescribable; something warm and comforting and accepting and powerful and wise, which was precisely what he was. And for some reason, I didn't feel odd thinking these thoughts. I suppose because I had always thought them; only I had never _smelled_ him like this before. The smell made me feel lightheaded and confused. "…I suppose…it's because you know what you're doing," I said quietly. "And because you're the strongest of us all, even without superpowers. You're…you're smart, Robin. I guess that's why you're in charge."

I felt his strong hand on my shoulder, and my eyes opened, startled. He was smiling at me. It was quiet for a few seconds, and I enjoyed his hand for as long as it was there; then it squeezed, and left me. "…Thanks, man. I…I needed to hear that from someone. It's good to know…that you, at least, still respect me."

"Of course I do," I said, staring down at my hands again. "We all do. If we didn't…why would we still be here?"

"Because you care about the people in this city, and in the rest of the world. That's why we're here, after all," he answered. His hands found the railing again, and he touched my hand with his, not on purpose. I fought my body's urge to tremble again. "We're here to protect the innocents, and bring justice to those who deserve it."

"…I know," I said. I sensed that he had heard my self-doubt in my words.

"And…hey, man…you're as big a part of this as anyone else on this team. You do your fair share, and you've saved hundreds of lives. Beast Boy," he said firmly, "what's wrong? Why are you upset? What happened to you in the past ten minutes?"

I refused to look at him. "…If I'm just as important to the team…to _you_…as Raven and Cyborg and…Starfire…are…then why do you sometimes tell me to just 'stay out of the way'?" I asked, only then realizing how much it hurt me that he had been doing that ever since I had joined two years ago. "…Am I really an important part of the team, or am I just…in the way, to you?"

I felt him grow angry with me for a second, then it lessened, and dissipated completely. He thought for a moment, searching for the words. My heart hurt, in a strange way. I had never known that I had felt this way. His hands found my shoulders, again, out of nowhere, and he turned me to face him. I didn't look up. I couldn't meet his eyes. "…Beast Boy, please. I…the only reason I do that…is because you're not as experienced as the rest of us are. You're not as serious about battle as the rest of us are. And honestly, because of that, you…you could get hurt, if you tried to get involved. Just…a bit more training…and I promise, I'll let you go. I just…I want to protect you, all right? I don't want to lose my friend. You know what I'm saying?"

I sighed, staring at the "R" on his chest, wishing I could stop feeling like this. I knew that he was lying, for my sake. He did that a lot. "…I know, Robin," I murmured, and his name was sweet on my tongue. I wished, before the feeling would go away, that he would embrace me, and accept me as his equal. That would be perfect, for me, I decided. To be at his level, at least, in his eyes. But I knew, the moment that he let me go a few seconds later and ruffled my hair, telling me that he was going to bed and I should go, too…that it would never happen. I would never measure up to him, I knew. I watched him head back down the stairs, looking over his shoulder once before he closed the door behind himself, knowing that, no matter what he said, it would always be a lie. I would never be good enough for him.

Just like he would never be good enough for Star.

I cried and hated that I was so pitiful to him.


	2. Float Like a Butterfly

I fixed some errors in chapter one...namely, the fact that I wrote that Beast Boy's eyes were purple, when I realized yesterday that they're actually green. D'oh!

Anyway, here's chapter two! Glad you guys like it!

**

* * *

Chapter Two**

It was 10:20 AM two days later when we came to an agreement.

Ten in the morning. Cyborg and I were furiously playing a racing game on the Gamestation, Starfire was cheerily attempting to cook us all breakfast, and Raven was meditating off in her corner, her quiet murmurs of; "_…Azarath, metrion, zinthos…_" as soothing and regular to us all as the sounds of the air conditioning blowing through the ventilating system. Everything was normal.

Except for one thing.

"Oh yeah, I'm gonna get you now, man!" Cyborg growled triumphantly, tilting his whole body to the side as he made a sharp turn around a curve in the track onscreen. "There's no way you can hold this lead for much longer!"

My ears perked, suddenly, and I felt my nostrils tingle, affected by the word "lead". _Leader_, I thought. _Robin._ "…Where's Robin?" I asked, distracted for a nanosecond. And in that moment, Cyborg took the lead, cackling victoriously beside me. I shook my head and returned, irritated, to the video game.

"Don't try to change the subject," he ordered, ramming his car into mine. "Not when I'm about to win, anyway."

"Robin is in the training room, practicing his martial arts, Beast Boy," Star said happily, the smell of smoke wafting out across my irritated nostrils from the kitchen. Cy crossed the finish line and threw his fist up, crying; "_BOO-YAH! AWW YEAH! WHO'S THE MAN?_" as the word "WINNER" flashed across his half of the screen, and I dropped my controller on the carpeted floor, ignoring him and his victory dance as I got up and headed out of the room. Cyborg noticed me leaving.

"Hey, man, where are you going?" he asked, confused. Usually, by now, I had demanded a rematch, and we had reset the console, preparing for battle yet again. But for some reason…I wasn't in the mood, today. I strolled down the hallway toward the gym, my fingers locked behind my head, stretching my muscles. I wondered if Robin thought I was a slacker, because I rarely ever did any hardcore physical training. I wondered if maybe _that_ was why I was "in the way". I frowned just thinking about it, finally coming upon the doors that led to the gym. He wouldn't want to be disturbed if he was really into it, I knew; if he was training before breakfast, that meant he had been up since around six doing just that. So I would simply make my presence known and quietly lift weights off in a corner, while secretly watching him, as I sometimes did on days like this.

The doors slid open upon my approach and closed just as easily, and as I had suspected, he had the mats and punching bags set up, with his karate robe and belt on. He punched and kicked and chopped so swiftly, it made my head spin just looking at it. He moved with the grace of a cat and the dexterity of a bird. Leap, curl, kick. Leap, twist, punch. Jab, jab, uppercut. _Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee_, I thought, losing my confidence and leaning against the wall shyly. Who was _I_ to approach such a skilled individual? I wasn't worthy of his presence in this place, and I knew it as well as anyone else on the team. I hung my head shamefully and walked over to my corner, sitting on the bench and beginning to work without letting him know that I was there. It wasn't like he would even remember in five minutes, anyway.

I think it was about fifteen minutes later that the room went suddenly quiet, and he scared me half to death by calling to me. "Hey, Beast Boy!" he said, sounding happy enough. I nearly dropped the twenty-pound dumbbell on my foot, jerking around and noticing that he had paused for a moment. He jogged over to me, only a little out of breath, and he pushed hair out of his face. He smiled warmly at me, so I returned the gesture. "What are you doing in here?" he asked.

"Eh, you know," I replied nonchalantly. "Just…pumping some iron."

"Hmm," he remarked, looking down at the weight in my hand. I lifted it a few times while he was watching, foolishly attempting to impress him, even though I knew he could lift the sixty-pound weight just as easily as I could lift this one. But I did like the way it made my muscles flex visibly under my uniform. He smirked at me. "Hey…you want to spar with me?"

"Whuh?" I asked, startled yet again, and this time, I _did_ drop the dumbbell…only, thankfully, it didn't land on my foot. I stared at it for a second, baffled, and then I looked back up at his face. He was _serious._ He had never asked me to spar with him before. Raven? Sure. Starfire? Of course. Cyborg? _Always._ But never little old Beast Boy. My mouth opened and closed several times, no words coming out, until he finally started to laugh and told me to wait a second. He ran to his locker and came back with a spare karate uniform, handing it to me without hesitation. "Well don't look so surprised," he said, attempting to sound hurt, though I knew he was still laughing at me. "Come on…I'll go easy on you, I promise." He jumped back onto the mat and walked to the middle, shaking his head as he started to stretch.

I turned around huffily and hid behind the weight rack as I changed, muttering curses to him under my breath and hoping that he pulled a hamstring while he was stretching. I felt slightly uncomfortable in the loose martial arts robe, and I wandered sheepishly back out into his sight, hiding my discomfort with a smug expression as I walked across the mats on springy feet. He stopped me once I was close enough.

"All right, Beast Boy…I know you don't know any martial arts, but that's okay. We can just fistfight, if you'd prefer," he said, watching me stretch. I snorted.

"Nah, dude, it's cool, you just do your thing and I'll do mine," I responded, shaking my head. He gave me a stupefied look, then shrugged, scratching his arm. I got to my feet, and we bowed to each other, me with a stupid grin on my face. We assumed fighting stances.

"You ready?" he asked. I nodded.

"Bring it on," I growled.

We ran at each other, and before I knew what was happening, he had leapt in the air and nailed me with a flying jump kick squarely in my chest. I went flying back through the air and did several backward somersaults on the mats before I finally settled on my butt, dazed and in shock. I fell over onto my back and coughed weakly.

"…Dude," I wheezed, "that's harsh…"

"…Beast Boy?" he asked, concern audible in his voice. "Are you okay?"

I organized my senses before rising back up again, supporting myself on my wobbly arms. "Man, Robin!" I yelled, coughing again. "I thought you said you'd go _easy_ on me! That's _not_ easy!"

He started to laugh at me again, and it echoed off of the walls of the gym. I pouted, getting shakily to my feet. "…Can you give me a free shot or something? This isn't fun…"

"Training isn't _supposed_ to be fun," he reminded me. "It's supposed to be about pushing your skills to the limit; seeing how far you can go, and working hard to go even farther."

"Yeah yeah, yadda yadda," I muttered, looking up at him affectedly. I sniffed. "I get it. So can I have a freebie or what?"

He snorted, reassuming fighting stance. "Sure. Give me your best shot."

I ran at him again, assailing him with my best punches, kicks, and chops, though none of them made contact with his face or body. After about a minute and a half of my frantic, feeble barrage, he grabbed my leg. I cried out in protest, hopped twice, and fell to the ground again. He crouched down beside me and pushed my hair out of my face, smiling in an almost brotherly way. I watched his palm as his fingers tucked green behind my ear, my face flushing softly. I breathed hard, trying to make him think that I was tired out from fighting. He bought it.

"…Let's make a deal, Beast Boy," he said good-naturedly, so I nodded. "We'll spar every other day. And when you can hit me—I mean, really, _really_ hit me—then I'll leave you alone about 'staying out of the way'. All right?"

He got to his feet and helped me to mine, and the feeling of his fingers wrapped around my palm was incredible. I felt a spark of power jump into my body through our bond, and it almost made me jump. I nodded instead. "…All right, Robin. Sounds good to me."

"Great. That's enough for today, though…I think I hear the smoke alarm going off," he said, suddenly sounding worried as he headed quickly back toward his locker to change. I watched him go, disappointed, sighing inaudibly.

"Yeah, that'll be Starfire," I muttered, shaking my head and shuffling toward the weight rack, wincing as the bruise formed on my chest. And all the while that we were changing, I was secretly watching him from between the dumbbells.

* * *

Star had made what she told us was oatmeal, but what I was pretty sure was that grime from between the tiles on my bathroom wall. Robin and Cyborg stomached it easily enough, Raven claiming that she was finished after a few bites of burnt toast, though for me, eating was slow and laborious. I managed to swallow half of the bowl before I pushed it away and told Star that it was delicious, but I had a stomachache and couldn't possibly eat another spoonful. She was immediately concerned for me and suggested "much bed rest, for that is the only way to cure an ailment of the belly!" So I was given a glass of water and sent to take a nap against my will. I saw Robin smirking at Star's antics before she pushed me into the hall that led to my bedroom, and though I tried to suppress it, it made me frustrated with her. I pushed her hands away and told her to leave me alone; I could do it myself. She looked hurt but complied, and I felt guilty two seconds later, though by then she had turned around and it was too late to apologize. 

I sighed and trudged to my bedroom with my cold water, drinking it slowly and setting it on my bedside table as I sat down on my mattress. I wasn't tired at all, though my chest hurt quite a bit from where Robin had kicked me earlier. I touched my bruised breastbone softly, grimacing in pain. I didn't know what I would do if he kicked me there again the next time we sparred. I closed my eyes, trying to think of what I could possibly do to land a hit. It seemed nearly impossible; every move he made was so precise, so premeditated. Almost like he could read my mind. Or—and I flattered myself by thinking it—maybe I wasn't the only one who had been studying what one of my teammates did while he fought.

I glanced at the group photo of the five of us that sat, gathering dust, beneath my lamp, and I picked it up after a moment's consideration, carefully examining our expressions. The photo was from almost a year ago; taken during one of our now so rare excursions to the zoo. Cy was grinning, as he almost always was, and was topped off with a hat that held two soda cans, with straws leading from the cans down into his mouth. Rae had a grim look on her face and was dressed in her usual blue hood and black leotard. Star and I looked positively giddy, Star clutching a huge, stuffed penguin, me with a pair of comically large sunglasses on, and I noticed, with some strange sickness twisting in my gut, that I had my fingers up behind Robin's head in the forever infamous "bunny ears" symbol. He would have looked firm and serious without my green fingers there, already devoid of zoo novelties, and I sighed heavily, hating that I always had to be the joker of the group. _No wonder he's never liked me much_, I thought sadly, tracing the curve of his tense jaw with one of my sharp-nailed fingers. _I…I _annoy_ him. I'm never serious, or calm, or collected, like he is._ _Like _Starfire_ is. God…_

_But am I really _that_ bad?_

I closed my eyes and fell back onto my bed, beguiling thoughts racing through my brain. Was there any way to please him? Was there any way to satisfy him, or to impress him, or to make him laugh at one of my corny jokes? I didn't think so. It all seemed so impossible, at that point; Robin had always been—and always would be—the mysterious Boy Wonder, hiding his eyes and his true feelings behind the fabric of his mask. He was a great and loyal friend and leader, but…no one was ever _equal_ to him. He demanded respect from us, and he respected…everyone else on the team but me. I ground my teeth and squeezed my eyes tighter shut, hating that thought. Why was I so _weak_ to him?

I suddenly felt the picture still clutched in my hand, and I held it in front of my eyes again, staring hard into the white blandness of his mask. What would it take to break through that barrier, I wondered? What would it take to see his eyes? To _truly_ see them, instead of the fleeting dark circles I could sometimes spy through the fabric? Would I have to make him _like_ me, or _respect_ me, or…?

What? What was the answer?

I sat up and put the picture back on my bedside table, deciding, with a hard exhale, to take that nap, after all.

* * *

I dreamed that we were being attacked by an endless army of shadowy demons, and that everything around me was on fire. I was in a building somewhere; a cold, cement building, lying on my back, and up above me I could see Star and Rae shooting barrages of energy beams at the screaming creatures. I could hear Cy and Robin grunting and yelling as they did battle on the ground, and I sat up, startled by the sights and the sounds and the _smells._ I got to my feet, and a creature leapt on me, merciless, bloodthirsty. I looked down into its glaring, yellow eye and saw it tear at my body, but I felt no pain. A moment later, I was flat on my back again, and the thing left me alone, leaving me with bloody tracks trailing behind it. 

I sat once more and called to Robin; I tried to move from my spot but found that I couldn't. He looked at me once he had defeated his foe, and I saw horror seep into his expression when he saw me clearly. He ran to my side, crying my name in a strange, static-filled voice, and when he knelt down beside me, I realized that he was no longer looking at my face. I felt myself floating up and over him, and I rolled over against my will; I was faced with the sight of my own mangled corpse and Robin, touching my face with gentle fingers, whispering to me, begging me to be alive. I wanted to vomit but couldn't. I was dead. Starfire, Raven, and Cyborg gathered around us, I heard a familiar, evil laugh, and I woke up.

I was panting when I shot into a sitting position, my uniform plastered to my body with sweat, and when I touched my face, I found tears beneath my eyes. I fumbled around on my bedside table for the group picture of us and pressed it face-up onto my pillow, struggling to return my breathing to a normal pace. A few minutes later, I was asleep again, and when I awoke once more later that night, I had forgotten the dream completely.


	3. Sting Like a Bee

...I wrote a lot more than was necessary since Tuesday, didn't I?

* * *

**Chapter Three**

I slept straight through lunch (not counting my slight disturbance) and awoke to find the tower eerily silent. I got out of bed, my chest aching dully, and I trekked, yawning, down the hall, glancing around for signs of life. "Robin…" I called softly, wondering if it was really late and everyone was in bed already. "Rae…Cy? Star?" I stepped into the living room and found darkness, emptiness. I blinked. "…Where is everybody…?" Something didn't feel right. I turned around and headed back into the hallway, walking quickly, this time, opening the doors to everyone's bedroom and feeling more and more ill when I found that no one was home.

_They're not here._

_They left without me._

_But where did they go?_

I ran back into the living room, panicking, now; scared, unsure. What if Slade had broken in and taken them all hostage? I calmed myself down by thinking, _no…if he had come in…he would have trashed the place._ I looked around, trying to relax, looking for any signs that might tell me where they'd gone. I spied an out-of-place piece of paper on the coffee table, and I picked it up, squinting to read Raven's loopy handwriting in the dim light.

_**7:23 PM**_

_**Beast Boy,**_

_**We had an urgent call and had to leave immediately. Robin tried to wake you but you know how you are when you're not feeling well; sleeping like a log. If you get this message before we get back, come to the bank on the corner of sixth and seventh streets. There was a break-in and we need to go deactivate a bomb. We're going to need your nose to track down the culprit.**_

—_**Raven**_

I nodded to myself, setting the note back down on the table before glancing at the clock. It was eight o'clock. I grimaced but decided to go anyway, morphing into a bird and flitting to and up the stairs that led to the roof, morphing back only momentarily to let myself out and to close the door behind me. I flew off of the tower, beating my wings furiously as I soared over the water and then dove into the city. I scanned the busy city streets below me, searching for the intersection of sixth and seventh streets, or any signs otherwise of my friends. I found them quickly and perched on Cyborg's shoulder, chirping cheerfully in his ear. He glared at me.

"Well, it's about time, man," he grumbled, batting me off. I transformed back into my impish self and gave him a puzzled look before getting to my feet.

"…What'd I miss?" I asked quietly, rubbing my head. He gave me a solemn look.

"Hey, Robin!" he called, turning away from me. "Beast Boy's here."

It was only then that I began to notice the wreckage strewn about the scene. The bank looked toasted—I guessed from Cyborg's sonic cannon and Starfire's star bolts—all the windows were blown out, and Raven was standing gloomily beside a crouching Robin, who was working frantically at a small, round, hand-held device that I assumed was the bomb. The counter wasn't ticking any longer, but I knew that he knew from experience that the countdown clock could mean nothing when it came to the bomb's activity. He was dismantling the entire thing, piece by piece, wire by wire. Starfire was sitting against a fried section of what I guessed had once been white wall, staring blankly down at her knees.

I felt suddenly that I shouldn't have come at all.

Robin ignored Cy's comment, grunting and picking at the wires, though Rae gave me a hollow look that justified my sinking feeling. I crept slowly over to Starfire, feeling hurt and guilty for a reason I didn't understand, and I sat down beside her, looking hard into her face. Something was off about her. She glanced over at me, and I saw something I had never seen before in her eyes; fear.

"…Star?" I whispered, and she grabbed my hand to comfort herself. "What happened here…?"

Her green eyes filled with tears, and it made me sick inside to see her like this. Starfire was not supposed to cry, or be hurt at all, in any way, shape, or form. She sniffled. "…Robin believes it to have been Slade…" she murmured, her words like ice needles, puncturing my spine. I shivered. "…He left his bomb here…and when we arrived, there was nothing…no one but the bomb. All of the bank workers had left…they had apparently been evacuated from the building. It…the bomb was here just to get us to come…there was a message upon it, written in handwriting that none of us recognized…"

She handed me a piece of red paper with trembling fingers, and I unfolded it, staring down at the crudely formed letters:

_**TITANS:**_

_**THE DEVICE YOU SEE BEFORE YOU IS, IN FACT, A BOMB. YOU HAVE FORTY-FIVE MINUTES TO EITHER DEACTIVATE IT COMPLETELY, OR BE ANNIHILATED. IF YOU SUCCEED, YOU GET A CLUE. IF YOU FAIL, YOU DIE.**_

_**TICK-TOCK, TITANS.**_

It was signed with a big, black "**_X_**".

She let out a wavering, chopped breath, and I held the paper up to my nose for a few seconds, getting in a few good whiffs before I turned back to her and crumpled it up in my hand. It didn't smell like any villain I had ever smelled before, which worried me. "…Robin grew angry that it was such a complex device…he is still attempting to make sure that it does not explode. From the letter…you can see…we only have five minutes left. But…after we found the bomb, and Robin set to work on it…a hooded man, shrouded in shadow, with one great, yellow eye…he attacked us, out of nowhere. I assume that he was a diversion of some kind, sent to pull Robin away from the bomb. Cyborg and Raven and myself attempted to fight him off, but he was terribly powerful…it took nearly all of our energy to do battle with him." I squeezed her hand, and she rested her head on my shoulder. I looked affectedly over to Robin, who was still working with a bitter expression on his face. I noticed a wound, leaking blood down the left side of his face, and even more, crisscrossing up his arms, where he had taken off his gloves to work with the bomb.

_Who could be so powerful?_

"…Robin fought when the rest of us grew too weak…" her voice was choked and stifled by tears. "He was successful, but…it was horrible…I have never seen Robin in so much pain…oh, Beast Boy! If you had only arrived here sooner…I know that your powers combined with Raven's and Cyborg's and my own…we could have fought, and we could have won! Robin would not be so distraught that someone nearly his equal in combat exists…"

I opened my mouth to speak to her, my eyes still fixated on Robin's injuries, but I felt Raven's shadow pass over me, and my eyes were drawn into hers, instead. She looked worried about something. "…Robin wants to speak with you," she drawled, taking my place beside Starfire when I finally managed to rise. Our eyes locked again, and she shook her head dismally, making my stomach turn to lead. My knees felt like water. If he felt the same way that Star did…he would surely lash out at me, now. And the look on his face…I had never seen him look so desperate; so cold. I looked to Cyborg for sympathy, but my android friend merely bowed his head, his eyes closed, and gestured toward our exalted leader. I swallowed my urge to break down and beg for forgiveness, and instead walked miserably to him.

He stood and threw the bomb to Cyborg for completion when I was beside him; a good two feet away, for safety reasons. I cowered under his penetrating glare and stared down at my feet, my shoulders hunched. He said nothing for a long time, so I decided to break the silence and attempt to apologize. "…Robin, I—"

"Where were you."

It was not a question. It was an accusation. I shuddered and wished, wished for this morning, when he had smiled at me and helped me to my feet and promised to go easy on me. I wished for two nights ago, when he had touched my hand on accident and hadn't bothered to move it, comforting me with his hair hanging in front of his eye. But wishing wouldn't make it go away. I swallowed hard and tried my best to look at him.

"…I…I'm sorry…please…don't be mad—"

"_Where were you._"

I bit my lips together. His voice was flooded with hate, even though he may not have admitted it to my face. He breathed hard, trying to calm himself. "…You've let us down, Beast Boy," he said quietly, his rough, scratched words crawling through my brain and into my heart like sewage. He had been screaming. _In pain_, I thought, feeling sick. I closed my eyes for a moment and had a vision of him obtaining those bloody injuries. "You've let the team down. But worst of all, you've let _me_ down."

"Robin, _please_," I whimpered, daring to approach him and reaching out to him. I touched his bleeding arm on accident and he winced, pushing me roughly away.

"How could you _be_ so _lazy?_" he demanded, looking me straight in the face. "How could you _sleep_ through an _emergency alert?_" He glowered down at me, and I felt my body begin to tremble, hating that I had turned him into this disappointed, angry person. I balled my hands into fists at my sides, grabbing at my own uniform to comfort myself. I felt tiny and worthless in his eyes—even more so than usual—and it hurt like nothing I had ever felt before. My heart was burning. "I just…you're a _superhero_, Beast Boy! You're here to protect the innocent! And you're a part of a _team!_ We're supposed to _work together_ to win! Do you not care about that at _all?_"

"I…of course I kuh-care, Robin," I sniffled. He growled, and I felt a hot surge of anger emanating off of him and into me me. He loathed me in that moment; I felt it in his actions, in his words, in his demeanor. And I couldn't stand it. I sobbed weakly, and, without any hesitation whatsoever, he punched me hard in the jaw; a swift right hook, his knuckles colliding with my jaw with a surprising _whump._ Starfire gasped and I heard her begin to cry quietly, soothed moments later only by Raven's careful words. I sensed that Cyborg was no longer watching, though I felt anger coming off of him, now, as well.

"_Do you think I'm STUPID? If you REALLY cared about these people; about fighting these menaces…you would DEDICATE YOURSELF TO FIGHTING FOR JUSTICE! Just like **I** have! Just like Raven and Starfire and Cyborg have! So don't you DARE lie to me!_"

"I _am_ d-dedicated!" I choked, rubbing my jaw hesitantly, in pain but wishing that I didn't have to be so naked about it. "That's w-why I j-joined the T-Teen Titans in the _f-first_ place!" I felt so frustrated with him, all of a sudden. Frustrated that he would accuse me of something so terrible, when he didn't even really know me at all. He just assumed. He always assumed everything about me, like I wasn't really worth his time at all. "I'm just as d-devoted to this job as _y-you!_"

At that moment, he looked as if he would have rather liked to spit on me. "…Well, I have yet to see that," he said, his words filled with disappointment and dislike. I closed my eyes and chewed my tongue, struggling to keep the tears from falling. I felt him turn back around and Cyborg tossed him the bomb, which was now completely deactivated.

"We've got two minutes left before time is up," Cy growled, sounding peeved for some reason unbeknownst to me. "The bomb is totally defused, but I still didn't find any clue."

Robin sighed thickly. "All right. I'll give it a look."

Words I didn't mean to say suddenly spilled out of my mouth.

"…All y-you care about…is y-your stupid _puh-p-pride…_"

He whirled around, dropping the bomb, and he grabbed the front of my uniform, pulling my face up to his level and pressing our foreheads harshly together. I cried out in fear and heard myself babbling for _mercy, please, have mercy, Robin, I didn't mean it._ He shook me roughly and the tears spilled out of my eyes. "_DON'T YOU **EVER** SAY THAT TO ME AGAIN!_" he shrieked, a sort of disoriented madness echoing in his words that I had never heard there before and that I prayed to God I would never hear there again. "_DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? YOU COULD NOT **POSSIBLY** COMPREHEND ALL THAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH! ALL THAT I SAW, WHEN UNDER BATMAN'S WING! THERE ARE UNIMAGINABLE HORRORS OUT THERE; EVEN MORE DEADLY AND TERRIFYING THAN **SLADE**, OR THAT CREATURE THAT WE DID BATTLE WITH TODAY! AND I'VE FOUGHT THEM **ALL**, BY THAT GREAT MAN'S SIDE! **HE** **ALONE** EMBODIES JUSTICE! AND HE TAUGHT ME ALL THAT I KNOW ABOUT WORKING AS A TEAM AND FIGHTING TO THE VERY END! I **WILL NOT TOLERATE** YOU DENOUNCING HIS NAME, OR WHAT HE AND I—AND THE TITANS—STAND FOR! IF YOU CROSS THE LINE **ONE MORE TIME**, BEAST BOY, I SWEAR THAT I'LL—!_"

"Robin, man," Cyborg murmured, and I felt water douse the flames of Hell as a mechanical hand closed over the quaking fists of our superior. "…Look at him."

I didn't see him look at me, but I can only imagine what he thought when he saw me like that. Pulling away from him, scared out of my mind, tears streaming down my cheeks, sobbed pleas of _please Robin please God I'm sorry please Robin don't hurt me don't hurt me please_ escaping from between my lips. He shook me one final time before he dropped me, and I curled up into a fetal position on the ground, more terrified than I had ever been before in my life. I didn't doubt that he would have gone so far as to seriously injure me if Cyborg hadn't stepped in.

Robin let out a hot, acidic breath as he stared down at me, and I felt everyone's eyes on me again, watching. "…I'm looking, Cyborg," he spat; I could hear that he was shaking with rage. "…And all I see is a pathetic back-stabber."

"_Robin_," Cyborg growled; I heard the dull _thump_ of him placing his thick, titanium hand on the Boy Wonder's shoulder. "You know you won't mean that later, man. Just…look what you've _done_ to him. I mean…we all know that it takes a lot to get through to Beast Boy, but…this is _too_ far." I couldn't stand Robin's hard eyes on me like that. I could feel them digging through my uniform, my skin; stabbing at my heart. "…He's just a _kid_, for God's sake. He's our little brother. The youngest of us all. And you—"

"You are being a _bully_, Robin," Starfire's sweet voice chastised him; I could see her boots and Raven's in a corner of my blurred vision. I felt the stiffness of his eyes lessen with her words, and I praised her for being such an angel of mercy. "You are angry, yes, and sad that you nearly lost. But the important thing is that you did _not_ lose. You fought your hardest, with strength and courage, and there is nothing shameful about that. And even though you _do_ feel ashamed of yourself…that is no reason to take it out on poor Beast Boy! You do not see things from _his_ point of view. He was feeling ill, so he took a nap, and now you are berating him because he was not well? He could not have prevented his ailment! It was _not_ his fault that we were nearly defeated! It is the rest of us who are to blame for this near-loss!"

Raven knelt down beside me and examined my bruising jaw. I forced myself to stop crying and accepted her hand when she offered it to me. She helped me to my feet and passed me to Cyborg, who—after watching Starfire lead Robin away from the rest of us, still scolding him—gently asked me to turn into something small so that I could be carried easily. I morphed into a cat and curled up in his arms, still shaking uncontrollably, even as he stroked my fur to comfort me. He turned to Raven and I pretended not to be listening to their conversation.

"…Rae…you get it, right? I mean…Beast Boy gets annoying, and he _is_ forgetful, and sometimes he's lazy…but…he doesn't deserve to be yelled at like that. _No one_ does."

Raven sighed. "Of course, Cyborg. But…at the same time…take into account that, when Robin was still with Batman…the two of them fought against some of the most deadly villains of all time. Two-Face. The Joker. Scarecrow. Poison Ivy. Don't you think it's possible that…maybe the reason that Robin's so proud of himself…is because he helped to bring down such treacherous people? He…he learned from the master. There's no denying that."

Cyborg scratched me behind my ears, and I heard him shake his head. "…Still. It doesn't give him the right to beat up Beast Boy over something as pointless as his sleeping in. He does that _all the time_, and it never bothered Robin before that…_thing_…showed up."

"You know as well as I do how Robin gets when he comes that close to defeat. And now he's going to be training like crazy for the next few weeks."

"And this is why I'm always telling you guys that he's nuts. But you never believe me, do you?" Cy growled. The gentle whir of his circuits working was soothing to me, and I felt my body slowly begin to calm itself. He sighed heavily. "This is why I think _I_ should be the leader. I know how to keep my cool."

"Of course you do, Cyborg," Rae said, sounding slightly amused. "That's why you always blow a fuse when Beast Boy beats you in those stupid video games."

He chucked under his breath.

Robin and Starfire approached us again, and I saw through my slit eyes that Robin looked guilty and was blatantly ashamed of himself. Star nudged him, and he stroked me in hesitant apology, pulling his hand away quickly and brandishing the useless bomb at us. "There was no sign of any sort of clue on this thing…but I think we should take it back to the tower, just in case." He looked to Raven. "Raven, let's head back home. We're finished here."

"All right," she murmured. "_…Azarath, metrion, zinthos…_"

We flew home in a great bird of shadow, but I felt protected, anyway, wondering if Robin really _was_ sorry about what he had done to me. I doubted it. He wasn't the type to forgive so easily.


	4. Closer

**Chapter Four**

None of us were calm enough to sleep when we got back to the tower. We all sat glumly in the living room; me on the sofa with Starfire; Cyborg at first attempting to play video games but then deciding that he wasn't in the mood, so then just gathering dust on the floor; Raven off in her corner, meditating again. Robin sat in his armchair, slumped down into the cushions, drumming his fingers on the armrests. He didn't have his head turned toward me, but I could feel his eyes piercing my skin whenever Starfire looked over at me and asked me how I was feeling, or made a gentle remark about the darkening bruise on my face.

I now had two battle scars, courtesy of Robin the Boy Wonder.

But I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to ask him why he seemed to dislike me so much. It was my business, after all, since it was about me. So after Cyborg wrapped up whatever thoughts he was having and growled that he was going to bed, and Raven drifted quietly down the hall after him, I tensed, mentally begging Star to leave us be. She felt the stiffness in my body and patted my hand before she left the two of us alone in the living room. I found at first that I didn't know what to say to him. He grew quickly disgusted with my green, frog-like presence and started to leave the room, and that was when the words came to me.

"It wasn't Slade," I said to his back. That stopped him well enough.

He turned around and cocked his eyebrows at me, looking genuinely interested. Then he scowled again. "…How do you know that?"

"I smelled the note. It didn't smell like him."

"Well, then…what _did_ it smell like?"

I fidgeted, pulling my eyes away from him for my own sake. No matter how angry he was with me—no matter how much he hated me—I still liked him and respected him. He was still perfect and strong and brave, and nothing would ever change that. "…It smelled like…" I screwed up my face, trying to place the odor. "…Like…_Raven_, almost. Like shadow. Death."

"So our culprit _was_ that hooded man," Robin murmured, more to himself than to me. His conclusion made me uneasy, though, for the simple fact that I hadn't gotten a whiff of my team's assailant. He turned to me, as if sensing my doubt. "…What's wrong now?"

"Well…I…don't know what the shadow guy smelled like," I said softly, tugging at my gloves. I pulled them off and set them aside to keep them from distracting me. "Dare to compare."

I heard him swear under his breath, but then a light bulb seemed to go off in his brain; he walked quickly toward me, almost smiling. He threw his gauntlet at me. "…Here…smell my glove. I was fighting with him, so there must be at least a trace of his scent on there." I pulled the green glove off of my face and considered giving him a look and reminding him that, if it _was_ the same smell, I would have a hard time distinguishing his hooded man from Raven the human airplane. I decided against it and breathed in deeply at the wrist of the glove.

After a few good inhales, he sat eagerly beside me on the couch. "Well?" he asked. He seemed to have forgotten his deep-seated loathing for me. I furrowed my eyebrows at the glove and frowned before giving it back to him.

"…Yeah, it…smells like the note did…but…" I looked up into his face, and he managed to look back at me without making me flinch. "…Your glove. It smells like Slade, too."

He groaned and stood, throwing his glove across the room; I heard it smack against the tile floor of the kitchen. He began to pace back and forth in front of the couch. "This doesn't make any sense! I…I _know_ Slade, I've _fought_ Slade! That man we fought today was _not_ Slade. I mean…!"

He kept talking, and I tried to listen, but I was preoccupied, remembering the smell of the glove. The smell of iron, fire, and ice—the scent of Slade—had been strong on the fabric, blended almost perfectly with the sleepy odor of graveyards. There was also a faint whiff of Starfire, from where (I was assuming) she had grabbed his wrist earlier to pull him away from us when they talked. There was a hint of my own body in there, from when he had stroked me tentatively in apology. A splash of copper, from his blood. But what was most prominent to me was the soft, undeniable smell hidden beneath all of those layers—the smell of Robin himself—the smell that still made me feel warm all over, like it had two nights prior.

I stared meekly up at him, my face burning. _Why does that smell make me so crazy…?_

He stopped pacing all of a sudden and gave me a look that, to my horror, told me that he had noticed that I was blushing. He lowered his hand—with which he had been making an elaborate gesture the second before—down to his side, and stared at me, huge question marks written all over his face. "Beast Boy…I'm going to ask, and you're going to answer me. What has been _with_ you recently?"

I laughed forcibly, scratching my face in an attempt to hide my flush. "What a question. Seems like the one _I_ should be asking _you_."

"No, I'm serious," he whispered, looking around as if making certain that we were alone. He sat beside me again; closer than before, and I shuddered out of fear and hated myself for it a second afterward. "Tell me what's been bothering you. I mean, you look at me like I'm…walking around with _knives_ sticking out of the back of my head or something."

I looked at my knees and blinked a few times. "You mean like I'm terrified of you, but in awe of you at the same time?" I asked. He cocked his eyebrows.

"Well…yeah."

"Gee, I wonder why, Robin?" I grumbled, narrowing my eyes. "I mean, seriously, dude…Starfire was pitching a fit over my face not five minutes ago. Can you not see the _gigantic_ _bruise_ on my jaw?" I pointed to where it was throbbing, just in case he actually _couldn't_ see it through his mask. "That's why I think _I_ should be persecuting _you_, instead of the other way around. _You're_ the one who's happy-go-lucky one second, and the next second you're all fists and fire breath."

The second time I ever saw him blush. I think he was truly ashamed of himself that time. "…It's not _that_ bad, Beast Boy…"

"But it's _there_, anyway. And that's why I…" I stared at him, trying to find the right words to say. I didn't want to hurt him, no matter how much he had cut me up inside earlier. "…That's _part_ of the reason why I can hardly stand to be close to you anymore. You've been nuts recently, dude, and it…it's scary."

He sort of smirked, sort of looked like he was about to cry. It was a look that scared me. "…We're close _now_, aren't we?" he asked, his voice smooth and gentle. He smiled at me, and I only realized that he was right when he touched my hand again; this time on purpose. It wasn't a hard gesture, neither was it too soft; just a friendly _I'm-sorry-please-forgive-me-for-punching-the-crap-out-of-you_ sort of thing. A sort of handshake, though both our hands were limp inside of each other. I felt that same spark of power leap into me for the second time that day, and I blushed again, shivering.

"Man…it creeps me out when you do that," I whispered, only partially lying. He laughed under his breath.

"When I do what?"

"That _thing_, that…!" I screwed my face up and turned away from him, though I kept my hand where it was. "When you pretend like you _care_."

"…Now why would I bother to _pretend?_" he asked in a neutral tone. His voice was very quiet; completely the opposite of his unbridled screaming earlier on. "And why would you think that I don't care about you, anyway?"

"I…I thought that we already talked about this," I grumbled. He squeezed my fingers gently, and it suddenly dawned on me that he was trying to get me to admit something. But I didn't even know what it was he wanted me to admit. I mean…I could feel that there was _something_ going on between us…it had been there ever since we had shared that moment together up on the roof of the tower…but I had no idea what it could have been. I turned around and stared at him. Did he really know me that well? Or was he just lying to me again?

He sighed, hard, and looked over at the couch cushions. "…Look, Beast Boy. I'm…I'm really just trying to say that…I'm sorry for yelling at you. And for punching you. And…for anything else I might have been doing to you recently. I'm sorry if I've been hurting your feelings or anything like that…believe me, it's all been unintentional, if I have been. But in order to properly apologize…you need to know…I've just been so stressed out recently." He began to rub his forehead with his free hand, and I continued to watch him, breathing slowly through my nose. "I…haven't really told anyone else, yet…but I've been having this nightmare. Every time I fall asleep, it's the same one, over and over again, like someone keeps forgetting to change the tape in my head. And in it…there are these…_things_…these monsters with huge golden eyes and dark robes on. They're attacking all of us…and we're fighting them off as best we can…but you…_you_…"

He trailed off and gave me this look. This horrible _look._ Like it hurt him just to see me, because it made him envision something terrible…and it made me want to cry.

"…What about me?" I asked, though I didn't really want an answer. He didn't give me one. We stared at each other for a long time, like that, and I suddenly felt something pushing at me, urging me closer to him. I began to notice that his face was nearer to mine than it had been before…and that he was still edging further in. I felt his hand tremble in mine, smelled his breath as his lips parted softly…and that was my cue to come back into reality. I cleared my throat, the tiny hairs on the back of my neck standing on end, though not at all out of disgust.

"Robin," I murmured; I could feel the heat on my cheeks rising up and making my eyes itch. He realized what was happening and pulled back all of a sudden; then he sniffed sharply, trying to cover up that awkward moment with a bit of laughter under his breath. But it was forced; I could tell. I wondered what he had been trying to do…

"…Anyway…the monsters I've been seeing in my nightmare…one of them attacked us today. I don't…I don't know how it happened, but…it scared me. Badly. And that was a part of the reason why I was so angry today. It freaked me out, seeing something from my nightmares attacking all my friends. Monsters aren't supposed to follow you out of your dreams, you know? So I just…all that stress, you know…it just got the better of me. And I'm sorry for it. I really am."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you," I breathed, only afterward telling myself that I had meant to say "you guys" instead of just "you". But he seemed to take it well enough. He smiled sadly.

"Actually…now that I consider what happens to you in my nightmare…I'm sort of glad…that you weren't feeling good," he said. "So…thanks for sleeping in." I looked down, away from his face, and saw our hands linked on the sofa. Our grips were still loose, though not like a handshake at all anymore. I felt awkward for a moment, though something deep inside of me told me not to say anything about it; it would pass, soon, and I would slowly begin to enjoy the feeling of his flesh against mine. It embarrassed me to think about that.

"…Were you afraid that I'd be 'in the way' again?" I asked roughly, suddenly noticing that the lights were very dim around us. His fingers moved, almost…_stroking_ my hand. I shivered, enjoying his gentle caress (just as my deep inner self had told me I would), and let out a little breath I hadn't realized I had been holding. He smiled at me.

"…Something like that," he said jokingly, though it was intended to be grim. We were quiet again for a while, and his fingers didn't move anymore. I felt them stiffen, though, after a bit, and we looked into each others' faces once more. I studied his face; the curve of his jaw, the subtle curl of his hair. He was handsome, there was no denying that. Maybe that was another reason why he was in charge; he was the prettiest. I smiled to myself thinking about it, and he smiled back. I stared at his mouth and felt something pop in my head. I squeezed his hand without meaning to, and he squeezed back. In that moment, I felt that he cared for me.

And I _liked_ that feeling.

When I looked back up toward his eyes, I realized that our faces were close again…and that _he_ hadn't moved at all, this time. He pulled back slightly when he realized the same, looking a little nervous.

"…I…Beast Boy…are you trying to—?"

"**_ROOOOOOOOBBBBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNN!_**"

Starfire's shrill cry cut through the (I dare to say _romantic_) silence surrounding us, making us both let out yelps of surprise. We jerked away from each other, staring at the entrance to the hallway that led to our bedrooms, and we glanced at each other only once before scrambling to our feet and dashing down the hall to her rescue. We found her standing backed against the wall across from her room, staring at her door with wide, frightened eyes. She saw us and edged away from her door, mouthing words we couldn't understand. Robin ran to her.

"Starfire," he whispered, grasping her shoulders firmly. "What's wrong? I'm here, what happened to you?"

_Are you trying to—?_

She locked her arms around his body and fell into him, sobbing, and he led her gently away from the wall and back toward me. I watched them clinging to each other, him whispering gentle consolation to her, and I felt something twinge inside of me, trying to tell me something. Raven and Cyborg appeared at the opposite end of the hallway and ran quickly down to join us.

_Trying to—?_

The feeling went away, but it went away very slowly.

"What happened?" Cy asked, placing his thick hand on Star's back. "We heard you screaming for Robin, but figured you could use our help, too—"

"Oh God," Raven breathed; she had stopped at Starfire's door. I saw her step forward tentatively and touch her palm to the metal; her hand came away stained with black. I blinked and approached her, a sinking feeling worming its way into my stomach. I stood beside her and examined the door, uttering the same words she had when I realized what was going on.

"What, what is it?" Robin demanded, stepping closer to the door. Cyborg followed, swearing coarsely under his breath when he saw what Rae and I both had. I saw Robin's eyes narrow out of the corner of my eye. "…What is this…" he breathed. Raven showed him her hand.

"It's fresh," she said. "Whoever did this was just here recently."

"I think…" Cyborg growled, shaking his head, "I think this is…our clue."

On the door, there was painted a single thick, black letter:

_**X**_


	5. The Graveyard Shift

There have been all these robins outside of my house recently. I can't help but wonder if I'm subliminally summoning them with my writing. XD

**

* * *

Chapter Five**

I should have been thinking about Starfire. But I wasn't.

I lie awake, long into the wee hours of the morning, contemplating instead what had occurred between Robin and myself.

After we had all seen the ugly mark on Star's door, she had begun to speak normal English words again, and we managed to interpret that it had just been there when she had approached her room to ready herself for bed. Robin, Cyborg and I entered her room and searched for intruders with our fists at the ready, but we found no one. Nothing was out of place. Our masked man had made his mark and left.

Raven, after a long period of awkward silence, suggested that she sleep in Star's room that night, to help in case the hooded crook returned. We all quickly agreed that this was a good idea, though Robin insisted that he and the rest of us keep watch outside of the door, as well; who knew, after all, what that black mark _truly_ meant? Cy and I agreed to take shifts; Robin would watch first, for two hours, then me, then Cyborg, and by that time, it would be morning and time to get up, anyway. Starfire thanked all of us and hugged us tightly, and a few minutes later, Robin nodded to Cyborg and I as we headed to our own rooms to get in a few solid hours of sleep before we were needed.

Cy turned to me once we were out of earshot. "What's going on between you and Robin, BB?"

I sighed, rubbing the bruise on my face half-consciously and flinching a little in pain. "…To be honest with you…I don't really even know."

"Were you guys talking in the living room after Rae and I left?"

"Yeah. Starfire left, too, so it was just me and him."

"Did he hit you again?"

I shook my head. "No. In fact, he…apologized."

"Really?" Cy looked surprised for a reason I didn't understand. "Huh. Well, that's good to hear. Hey…where are your gloves?"

I blinked down at my bare hands, suddenly remembering that I had taken them off and set them beside me on the couch. "Oh…I left them in the living room…I guess I should go get them, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess you should." He sounded distracted. I turned on my heel and started jogging for the living room, stopped only by his voice a second later. "Hey…Beast Boy?"

"Yeah?" I asked, turning back to him.

"…No matter how crazy he is…Robin really is a great guy, okay?" he said. The words weren't forced at all. "And…he really does like you, no matter what you think. He would never hurt you on purpose…all right?"

"…Okay, Cy," I replied, furrowing my eyebrows a little. He was worrying me. He nodded and waved me on my way, sending me walking down the hall toward the living room in puzzlement.

I heard the undeniable sounds of Batarangs unsheathing themselves and Robin assuming fighting stance, then shortly afterward the fierce hiss of, "who's there?" as I approached. He saw me in the dark and started to throw his weapons, then realized who I was and loosened his muscles. "Oh," he said, sounding relieved. "…Hey, Beast Boy. What's the matter?"

"Eh…forgot my gloves," I said, only realizing with his eyes on me how stupid that really sounded. I could get them in the morning just as easily as I could get them now. But he shrugged and let me pass, anyway, leaning against the wall beside Star's door and sighing heavily. I could feel his eyes on me as I disappeared back into the darkness of the hallway.

I stumbled around the living room and eventually found the couch, feeling along the cushions for my gloves. I found them and pulled them back on, and the hairs on the back of my neck prickled suddenly. I could still smell his body, leaning into the couch cushions, stroking my hand. I shivered and bit my lip, considering, for one crazy second, taking one of the couch cushions to my room with me. But that was foolish; he would see me as I passed and wonder what in the blazes I was doing.

_His glove_, my mind whispered. _He threw it earlier._

My eyes widened and a crooked smile sprung to my lips. I trekked into the kitchen area and looked on the floor, finding his single green glove lying beside the counter. I picked it up delicately and sniffed it, shuddering and reveling in the wonderful scent and jamming the gauntlet into my pocket before dashing back to the hallway.

He let me pass without freaking out this time; probably because he had been expecting me. I beamed at him, and he smiled back, and when I turned the corner at the end of the hallway, I wondered why I was acting so weird. _It's the smell_, I decided. _It's like…Beast Boy catnip._ I almost laughed at that thought; it was stupid. But when the door to my room closed behind me, I pulled the wrinkled glove out of my pocket and pressed it into my nose again, inhaling deeply and loving that smell more than anything else in the world.

What _had_ happened between us, I wondered? I got undressed and crawled into bed, stroking my keepsake thoughtfully and pausing every once in a while to sniff at it and smile. Whatever had occurred, something much more dramatic was happening now that I had his glove; with each inhale, I felt my mind clouding even more, and I started considering the most bizarre things. What was it that he had been saying to me earlier?

_Beast Boy…are you trying to—?_

_Trying to what?_ I wondered, feeling warm and safe in my own bed. No one knew what I was doing but me, and I was happy for that. _Our faces were close. I was leaning into him. Trying to…?_

_Are you trying to…_kiss _me?_

My face flushed and I tried to push that thought away, but my deep inner self told me to let it stay, to think about it. So I did. And I thought about kissing him. It made me feel weird inside, and I kept trying to fight it off, but hormones are nasty little things. I pulled the glove on and stroked my own face lightly, imagining that it was him doing it, and it scared me, how much I liked it. I shivered and curled in on myself after a few minutes, chasing the humiliating images away.

_Why would I think that…why would I even _consider_ that…_

_Because he's handsome and crazy and PERFECT. That's why._

…

_And because I've always wanted what I know I can't have._

…_He loves Starfire…_

_And that's exactly why I'm thinking about this. Because I'm jealous…only not of him. I'm jealous of HER._

I blushed and pulled the glove off, biting savagely at my nails. This was not even a possibility. All I wanted was to be his equal. His comrade. Someone _worthwhile_ in his eyes. But what if it was true? What if…to be worthwhile…to be his equal…he had to love me?

Would it really be that horrible? 

…_No…_

_It wouldn't be horrible at all, would it?_

…

_WOULD it?_

…_N-no…_

Because I feel the same way, don't I? 

…

…

I kissed the glove and went to sleep. I dreamed about robins getting their heads cut off, and it made me feel sick inside.

* * *

I woke up when I felt a hand on my shoulder. 

"…Beast Boy," he whispered. "Beast Boy, it's your turn to keep watch in front of Star's room."

I sighed, shoving his glove nonchalantly under my pillow. "…All right," I murmured, rolling over onto my back. He looked tired. "What time is it?" I asked softly, sitting up and rubbing my eyes.

"…I don't know. Around three?"

I gave him a look as I got out of bed, pulling a clean uniform out of my closet. "Dude. That was way longer than two hours."

"…I know," he said. When I turned around to ask him why he had let me sleep for so long, he was smiling at me in a way that told me I didn't really have to ask. I already knew the answer. I jerked my uniform on and stepped into my boots, my face warm as I remembered my thoughts from earlier on. _Should I ask him about it?_ I wondered, _or would he just get mad at me?_

I got my gloves off of my bedside table and pulled them on, sighing. I held my hand out for him to shake, noticing that he had gotten a new glove from his vast collection. I wondered if he knew what I had done with his other one. "Well…thanks for letting me sleep in, Boss," I said. He gripped my hand, and for a second I had the crazy thought that he was going to pull me into him and…do whatever…but he just shook his arm up and down, still smiling at me.

"No problem. I'm going to go and get some sleep, now," he said. I nodded.

"Right."

He followed me out of my room, and we went our separate ways; he toward his own room, me toward Starfire's. I wondered what everyone else would say if I told them what I was feeling about Robin. I wondered if it was even really true.

_Oh, Beast Boy, this is marvelous!_ Star would say. She would try to get me to sing a Tamaranian love song to Robin to _express your glorious feelings!_ No. Not good.

…_Wait…you WHAT? With ROBIN?_ Raven would ask. She would give me a look and probably ban me from all areas within a five-foot radius of her and all of her stuff. Also not good.

Cyborg would laugh. Just laugh. That would probably be the worst.

I decided _not_ to tell them.

I leaned against the same wall Robin had been leaning against and I slid down onto the floor, picking pieces of fuzz off of the stretchy material of my uniform. I rested my head against the plaster and closed my eyes, trying to figure out where I had gone wrong. Was it just the smell that was getting to me? I remembered, out of nowhere, this morning. When he had been changing, I had been watching. His smooth, pale skin. The sexy muscle underneath. His body hair. My face burned. No. It wasn't just the smell. He really _was_ attractive.

To me, anyway.

I ground my teeth, hating the feeling. Part of me countered my hatred, not necessarily my deep inner self. _Didn't I tell him that everyone falls in love at one point or another?_

_Yeah, but…it wasn't supposed to happen like _this_ for me. Not…not with _him. _Why can't I just have a crush on Rae again…?_

_Because it's like I thought earlier…I know I can't have him, and that's why I want him._

I bit my tongue. _Maybe…if I just don't tell anyone…if I don't tell _him_…maybe it'll just go away…_

…_If I really want it to go away, then why is his glove balled up under my pillow?_

I groaned to myself, raking my fingers through my hair. I wished that, for once in my life, something of dire importance to me would just…_work out._ But I knew it wouldn't. Nothing ever worked properly. _Ever._ With my luck, Star would start loving Robin back, and then my chances of him ever even _liking_ me would be reduced to zero in six hundred trillion, instead of my measly one in six hundred trillion. Would I be satisfied if he loved me, I wondered? Or would I just not care, and find something else to distract me from what was really important?

…_But this _is_ important,_ I thought dimly, balling my hands into fists and hating that I was thinking it. _It's important…to _me._ And _really_…what's so wrong with wanting to be loved?_

…_Nothing._

_What's so wrong with wanting to be loved…by another boy?_

_EVERYTHING. Everything everything everything EVERYTHING **EVERYTHING.**_

_Why?_

…

_Huh? Why is everything wrong with it?_

…_Because he…_

_Hmm?_

…_I…because he really _would_ hate me, if he ever found out._

_Do I know that for certain?_

…_No._

_So then what's so wrong with taking a chance? It's a long shot, sure…but think about it, Beast Boy. Think about the way he _smiles_ at you._

My eyes burned with tears. It hurt to fight it.

…_He really _is_ perfect, isn't he?_

…

…_Only in a different way than I had thought before._

…_Oh, God…why does…why do I always have to find new ways to screw myself over…?_

_Because it's so easy. And because a little tiny part of me wakes up every morning, thinking to itself, 'hmm…how can I screw myself over _today?_'_

…_Haha. Very funny._

Sitting there, though…I eventually decided that, no matter how much I hated to admit it, even to myself…that other part of me was right. I really _did_…find Robin attractive, and in so many more ways than one. I pulled my knees up to my chin and folded my arms over them, burying my eyes in my wrists. I wished I could just forget about him, but I couldn't. The only way I could get away from him for sure would be to quit the Teen Titans, and it really wasn't worth that. The Titans were all that I had. It would be stupid of me to give them up over something so minor.

But it felt like such a big deal, to me.

I guess I dozed off there, because when I looked up again, Cyborg was sitting against the wall on the other side of Starfire's door. I started when I saw him, his cybernetic parts glowing an eerie blue in the darkness surrounding us. He grinned at me when he saw I was awake. "Hey, man. Robin told me it was my turn…he said he figured you'd be asleep when I got here. You can go back to bed, now, though, if you want."

"Urgh," I grumbled, shaking my head. "What time is it _now?_"

"Around five thirty. I've been here for about half an hour."

I muttered some unnamed swear word under my breath before I got to my feet, wondering why I was so unnaturally tired today. I glanced at him. "…Hey…Cyborg?"

"Yeah, BB?"

I stared hard into his face, considering. He stared back, waiting for my question. "…When you're sparring with Robin…how do you manage to get a hit in edgewise?"

Cy grinned at me. "Well, I usually just wait for him to try and get me with one of his jump kicks. Then I run backward and grab his ankle when he gets too close and just throw him. Until then, I just defend. It's easiest to get him when he's in the air and has nowhere to go but down. Get him by surprise. Just remember that, and you'll get him."

"Oh," I replied, blinking. "Wow. Okay. Thanks, man, I…never thought of that before. Surprise. All right. I can do that."

"It's not a problem, dude. You know you can talk to me about anything."

"…Yeah," I murmured as I turned and started shuffling down the hallway again. "Right, Cy. Anything."

* * *

I went up on the roof again, to stare out at the ocean and think. It was easier to think up there…probably because the salty air cleared my head. The moon and the stars smiled down at me from their perches past the atmosphere, and I thought about the gentle, warm feeling of his hand in mine. I thought about the tension in my body as I had watched him change his clothes, wondering, _will he turn around? Will he see me?_ I thought about the subtle feeling of arousal I got out of that irresistible smell, because it made me think about doing things with him that I would never even _attempt_ to do in a sober state of mind. I thought about the way that he smiled at me. I stared down at my palms for what felt like eons, and after some time, I began to see the dirt on them. I had been bad. I wasn't supposed to be doing this. I wasn't supposed to _want_ him like this. 

But I did.

God, I _did._

And for some reason, I didn't care that all I was really getting out of it was another broken heart.


	6. Tainted

**Chapter Six**

He asked me to watch him train, because he thought it would help me to think of a way to sneak past him when we sparred tomorrow.

I agreed, though not at all for the reason that he thought I did.

So I sat on the edge of the mats and watched him, in his karate robe, attacking the punching bags and fake monsters set up around him with the utmost ease. I watched him lift weights. I watched him stretch. I watched him do pull-ups and climb the rope dangling from the ceiling and I watched him lay sprawled out on the floor, panting and smiling up at me as he took a quick, five-minute break. I smiled back, because nothing was wrong.

I had given up on feeling guilty about my feelings for him and had just gone ahead and accepted them. It wasn't like I could successfully _deny_ them, anyway, so just taking them in with open arms was about the nicest thing I could do for myself, at that point. Besides…getting a warm feeling from just watching him exercise…was sort of _nice_. He had a good-looking body; thin, though not _too_ thin, layered with lean muscle and with sexy, powerful arms and legs…watching him would definitely _not_ have been a chore, even if I _hadn't_ felt that way about him. And I told myself that, if I hadn't been watching him for _that_ reason, I would have been there, anyway, simply admiring his grace, dexterity, and power as he trained.

After a bit, he came over and sat beside me, his hairline damp with sweat. "So," he asked, "getting any ideas?"

"Oh, a _million_ of them," I replied slyly, grinning at him. He smiled back. "Getting tired, yet?"

"No way," he assured me. "Not even close. Besides, I've got a long way to go if I want to be able to kick serious butt next time we're faced with such an intense challenge."

I eyed the thick scabs on his forearms warily for a moment before looking up at the long gash on his cheek. That one in particular was having a hard time healing, and I hated myself for not being there to prevent him from getting such a horrid scar on his handsome face. "But next time…next time, _I'll_ be there," I said. "So you don't need to push yourself this hard, Robin. _Really._ You're as strong as you need to be to kick serious butt right now."

"…It's not just that," he sighed, giving me a _thanks-for-your-support-anyway_ kind of look. "I…I want to be able to protect Starfire. I have a feeling she's in danger—"

"She can protect her_self_," I growled, surprising the both of us. He furrowed his eyebrows at me and then looked down at his scabbed arms, contemplating.

"…But also," he continued, acting as if I hadn't even interrupted, "…I want to be able to protect…_you._" I stayed quiet this time and actually managed to keep myself from blushing. "If what happens to you in my nightmare actually turns out to be some sort of vision of the future, then I want to be able to do my best to keep that from happening. Because no matter what you think about me…even though we've been through a lot of hard times together, especially recently…I really _do_ care for you, Beast Boy. I care for you a _lot_. It's like what Cyborg said…you're a little brother, to me. And I would _never_ want to lose you."

He said nothing about what had happened between us the night before, and I wondered if it was because thinking about it made him feel awkward. God knows it made _me_ nervous. I nodded and watched him put his hand down on the floor beside him. "I would never want anything bad to happen to you, either, Robin," I said quietly, considering putting my hand over his. "And I care about you a lot, too, even if you scare me out of my mind sometimes."

"Thanks, I…think," he said, smirking. I looked up at his face and hated that mask desperately. It was quiet in the gym; not even the air conditioning was running at that moment. I wished it were darker, and as if by some divine guidance, one of the lights flickered and went out. I laughed, and so did he. "Weird," he muttered. "I was just thinking it was too bright in here."

"Really?" I sighed, almost going for it and then chickening out at the last second. "Me, too."

Neither of us said anything for a while after that. I thought of a bunch of dumb questions to ask him, none of which were ever asked, and every time I almost got up enough guts to try to touch his hand, he would smile at me and I would freak out again. I grew frustrated with myself and was about to get up and leave when he spoke again.

"…You know…I really _do_ enjoy talking to you, Beast Boy," he said softly. "You're a lot smarter than you make yourself out to be."

My cheeks turned pink with flattery. "Nuh-uh," I muttered, scratching my neck. I wondered if he would ever compliment me again if I told him that I cared for him as deeply as I did. I wondered what it would be like to kiss him. _Probably just as amazing as he is,_ I thought. He touched my arm, and my nose tingled; I could smell him best when we were close like this. I shivered and thought bad thoughts.

"…Have I ever told you…about my parents?" he asked, completely serious. I adjusted myself to feel the gentle friction of his fingers against my skin.

"No," I replied, wishing I had the nerve to get closer to him. I was too afraid that he would push me away, though. Too afraid that he would realize what I was doing. "I don't think you ever have. How come?"

"Well…it's just because…_I_ know what happened to _your_ parents…I just think it wouldn't be right unless you knew what happened to _mine_," he said simply enough. I turned to him and smiled, my heart pounding in my chest. He was so wonderful; I could hardly stand it.

I longed to kiss him. To taste his sweet-smelling lips.

"…Okay. I'm all ears," I told him. He had a difficult look on his face for a second, like he was struggling to get over some kind of obstacle within himself, but then he sighed and nodded. He looked nice, to me, when he was like that; serious, though slightly nervous. It made me feel like maybe he was more like me than I thought.

"Right, then. Well…when I was a kid…I used to be in a trapeze act called the 'Flying Graysons' with my mother and father. They were experts…in fact, the only time when they would use a safety net would be when _I_ was performing with them. It wowed the crowd every time when they completed their routine flawlessly, until…" he hesitated. I sensed that this was the part that was hard for him to recall. I gazed into his face intently, showing him that I was just as serious about listening to this as he was about telling it. "One night…they were walking the tightrope, and…someone cut the wire." He stared down at his feet, and after a moment of cold numbness, I felt something stab me deep inside. It was strange, to realize that I _could_, in fact, imagine the pain he had felt when he had realized that he would never see his mother and father again. Strange to realize that I could understand his grief. I grabbed his hand. "I hated it; losing them. Realizing that they had been _taken_ from me like that; _stolen_ from me by someone who didn't care at all about what it could do to _me_, a helpless _child._ Batman showed me that there _is_ a way to get back at people like that; people who steal what matters from the good-hearted, innocent people of the world. People who steal from children and laugh afterward. And _that's_ why I wear this mask. _That's_ why I'll never stop what I'm doing." He looked at me, furrowing his eyebrows. "But the one, terrible side-effect of this is that…realizing all that I'm capable of, now…I feel like I could have _done_ something about it. Like I could have done something to prevent their tragic deaths. _That's_ the part that bothers me the most about everything that I've been through. This feeling of guilt that just…won't subside, no matter what I do."

"I…I know exactly what you mean," I whispered, closing my eyes. "When my parents died in that boating accident…I thought, 'God…I could have kept it from happening, if I had only been there with them. I could have used my powers to save their lives.' I still think that, late at night. Whenever I smell the ocean, I think about it. And it hurts. But…I know that…to get over it…I just have to realize that there really was _nothing_ that I could have done. Because back then, I _didn't know_ what I know now. And besides…if my parents had lived…I probably would never have joined the Teen Titans. I wouldn't have had a _reason_ to join." I smiled weakly at him and opened my eyes again. "And if I hadn't joined…I would never had made such great friends. I would still be some goofy kid named Gar Logan, trying to sneak and cheat his way through high school."

"Yeah," Robin murmured. "And everyone knows…the Titans just wouldn't be the same without Beast Boy."

We went quiet for a while, and I could feel our sadness mingling in the air around us. I wished there were something else that I could do to comfort him; something other than bombard him with my corny jokes. _If I had known…_I thought glumly, looking over at his pained profile, _I would _never_ have said that to him…I would _never_ have accused him of caring only for his own pride._

…_He really _is_ more passionate about this than I am. Ten fold, in fact. God…_

He squeezed my hand, shut his eyes, and I opened my mouth to apologize to him, but a glittering at the corner of his eye stopped me. I watched a single tear trail down his face, and I felt my heart break, slowly and painfully, inside of my chest. Rule one in Beast Boy's Big Book of Stuff: _Robin was not supposed to cry. Robin was supposed to be the strongest of us all._ My lips trembled, and I let go of his hand, choosing instead, at that moment, to wrap my arms around his neck and hug him.

It was so much easier to touch him when I felt so wounded inside.

"…Dude," I said, trying to sound cheerful, but it was too hard to keep my façade up, now. I felt tears gathering in my own eyes. "…Don't cry…everything's okay, now…I promise…I…I'm h-here for you…"

He sniffed and wiped his eyes, looking down at me for a few seconds before he returned my embrace; his body felt so pure against mine, like liquid poured into a glass. I melted into him and cried. I felt him try to speak, but _I_ had said what _he_ needed to say, so he remained silent, instead, and that was okay to me. I loved being held. I loved the warmth of his cheek against my scalp, and the sound of his heart beating—a little off-tempo because he was upset—beneath his karate robe. I loved his deft hands, trembling and soft, against my ribcage. I loved feeling like a baby bird, being pulled into the warm, red breast of his namesake, sitting there in the gym, in his arms. That was enough, for me.

And through it all, I could hear my own voice in my head, tenderly whispering the words that, for the first time in my life, I allowed to ring true:

_Robin I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you **I love you** **please don't ever let me go…**_

…And I hated that moments like that were made to end.

Red alert lights flashed around us suddenly, breaking the moment, and he pulled away from me, stabbing at his beeping communicator. "Cyborg! What's the trouble?"

"_We've got another bomb scare. The museum on twelfth_," Cy's voice buzzed. Robin ground his teeth and thought for a second.

"…All right," he growled. "Let's go."

He ended the transmission and looked at me for a long second, bathed in flashing crimson. He smiled at me. "…Thanks, Gar," he said gently. I blinked and felt him touch my arm before he ran to get changed, calling over his shoulder that he would meet up with me and the other Titans in a few minutes. His scent lingered beside me, and there wasn't a thought in my head until I realized that I needed to go. I morphed and flew out of the gym, a million questions pounding in my brain. I didn't even realize that I had transformed into a robin.

* * *

When Cy, Star, Rae and I arrived at the scene, we found it as, I suppose, they had found the bank the night before; eerily dark and void of employees and customers. I heard the dull, metallic _chukk_ of Cyborg clenching his hands into fists, and felt the air around me grow staler as Raven readied her dark magic. Star stayed in the middle of our group, nervous. 

"…All right, team…we've got to find the bomb before it's too late. Split up and search," Cy murmured. We nodded and divided.

I morphed into a hawk and began to survey the premises with my sharp eyes, careful not to touch anything as I flew past it. Nothing seemed out of place, though. Baffled, I morphed instead into a dog and began to sniff around, searching for strange odors. Dust, ancient mold, rocks, oil paint, clay, cloth fibers. Normal museum smells. In the ancient Egyptian exhibit, I was ready to turn around and check another room when I felt my fur stand on end.

I smelled fire, ice, and iron.

_Slade._

I whimpered and started to back up, but then I remembered Robin. Robin wouldn't run away. Robin would go on and find Slade and kick butt. Doing my best to swallow my fear, I began to edge farther into the room, sniffing as I went and following the vague trail straight to a statue of Anubis. That was where it ended. I sat in front of the figure, confused (though very relieved) before I began to circle it, sniffing at the base. It smelled like a very old statue. Where had my trail gone?

I transformed back into my human form and stood, leaning close to the sculpture and examining it carefully in the darkness. I reached up and felt along the body, searching for anything out of place, around to the back, down the legs, up over the arms. Nothing. It was a statue; nothing more, nothing less. I backed up and gazed quizzically into the dazzling red eyes of the Egyptian god, wondering what the heck I was even supposed to be looking for. There was little chance that our perpetrator would use the same make of bomb _this_ time as he had used before…that is, if he was _smart_, there was little chance. But why did it smell like _Slade_, I wondered? And why had Robin's glove also smelled like him? It made my head hurt to think about it.

I heard a heavy footstep behind me, and the hairs on the back of my neck and my arms stood on end. I whirled around and became a lion, baring my teeth and my claws menacingly, showing I was ready to fight. I saw Robin's figure, silhouetted in the dim light, staring at me. I changed back and breathed a sigh of relief. "Jeez, man, give me a heart attack, why don't you?" I panted, raking my fingers through my hair. I felt him smile as he approached me.

"So have you found anything? No one else has," he asked quietly. I opened my mouth to tell him about the statue, but then I stopped. I felt my lip curl. He smelled strongly of Starfire.

_Too_ strongly.

My chest hurt for a second, and then I felt angry fire spring up inside of me. I could only imagine what he'd been doing before he came to me. And he was stupid to think that I couldn't smell her on his body. Robin did _not_ smell like sugar and chamomile. Robin smelled like…grass, and the sky, and warm laundry, and hot showers, and laying in bed late at night, staring at the moon. Robin smelled like _Robin._ I felt my fingertips stinging, and he gave me a weird look. I had been quiet for too long. I forced myself to speak.

"Yeah, I…this statue," I said, trying to sound like I hadn't sensed his adultery. I pointed to the sculpture of Anubis, and he stepped forward and past me, examining the figure just as I had. I shuddered when the feminine smell wafted across my nostrils. His body had told me, before, that he cared about _me._ I hated his lies. I hated Starfire. I ground my teeth. "It smells like Slade."

He whirled around and stared at me, doubt evident in his face. "…You're sure?" he asked urgently. I shuddered.

"_Painfully_ sure," I replied sourly, glaring down at my feet. I could smell her arms around his shoulders. His hands on her waist. I hated it, hated it, _hated it._ Why did it have to happen _here?_ Why _now?_ I could smell sugar on his lips. Tears welled in my eyes. I had known that this would happen. I had _known…_but it still hurt, more than anything else in the world. There were knives buried in my stomach; in my heart. God, he was _mine…_for thirty-two seconds, this morning, he had been mine. For thirty-two seconds, I had fooled myself into believing that he loved me as much as I loved him.

But then this damned _alert._

Did he even know that he was playing with my heart? Was he enjoying it, if he did?

I pressed my palm into my forehead, trying to stop the tears. I heard him stop moving around. "…Anything wrong?" he asked. I shook my head.

"No…just a little headache," I lied. He went back to searching the statue.

"…Wait," he murmured, more to himself than to me. "…What's this…?"

I had to look. He had pulled the statue's eyes out of their sockets. I yelped.

"What did you _do?_" I cried, "you broke it!"

"No…" he said, holding the eyes out to me. I looked down at them, ignoring the smell of Starfire and squinting at the red eyes. I could see tiny circuits on the flattened backs of the orbs. "I _fixed_ it."

My ears twitched. "…They're ticking," I whispered.

He swore and squeezed the bombs in his fist. "Get everyone out of here," he whispered to me, his hand on my shoulder and his face close to mine. I was too hurt to be excited, now, though. "I'll be outside, working on these."

I nodded mechanically and watched him run for the exit with dull eyes. He was such a liar. A playboy. That was all that he was. Then why did I feel like that about him? Why was it so hard to convince myself that I hated him? That he had hurt me, and that he _needed_ to be hated? Why did I want so badly to forgive and forget?

…_Thanks, Gar._

His gentle voice. My name sounded so beautiful coming off of his tongue.

I shuddered and pushed those thoughts harshly away, stabbing at my communicator and listening for Cy's voice.

"Cyborg here. What's up, Beast Boy?"

"Robin and I found the bombs, dude. He said to get out of here and meet him out front. Tell Rae and Star."

There was a short silence. "…Are you all right? Your voice sounds weird…"

"I'm _fine!_ God, why is everyone so _nosy_ recently?"

"…Dude, I just—!"

I cut the transmission and forced myself to run after Robin, trying desperately to ignore the salty tears biting at my eyes.


	7. A Little Birdie Told Me

I am _SOOOOOO_ sorry that it took so long to get this chapter up. Really, I apologize. I got caught up in other crap. Happens sometimes, ya know? 

Hope this lives up to your expectations. I love you all for waiting so patiently. :D

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

I didn't bother to meet up with Robin and the others once I got outside again. I immediately morphed into a hummingbird so as not to be spotted by any of them, and I flew. I flew until my arms were screaming at me to stop, and then I flew some more, up and up and onto the rooftops. And then I became myself again and I ran, crying, sobbing, my heart aching with a deep, unbridled pain unlike any injury I had ever sustained before, physical _or_ mental. All the while my mind was crying at me:

_How could he have _done_ this? How could he make me believe that he cared, and then just…OHGODIHATEHIMIHATEHIMWHYDOESHEHAVETOBESO…so…_

I slowed down and wound up tripping over my own feet, scraping my chin on the cement roof and knocking my funnybone nastily. I didn't care. I folded my shaking, tingling arm under my eyes and I lie there on the roof, weeping, not caring where I was or what might happen to me. All I cared about at that moment was the fact that he had lied, and played me for a fool. I hated Starfire. I hated Robin for loving her. I hated her for not having been smart enough to love him back sooner, so I could have spared myself this miserable delusion. I hated myself for _wanting_ her to love him back, even now; for wanting him to be happy. I hated myself for still loving him.

It hurt _so much._ It was just too complicated for me to handle.

I pulled my face out of my arm and stared at the blurred cityscape around me. I could see Titan Tower off in the distance; a bright, yellow "T" on the deep blue slice of the afternoon horizon. _They're probably wondering where I am_, I thought bitterly, turning my green eyes back to my gloves. My hands were trembling badly, and I had torn the palm of my left glove open when I had fallen. There was no way I could go back to them, now. There was no way that I could look any of them in the face; especially not Robin and Star. They would be exchanging…_those looks_. I didn't know how I would be able to deal with it, from now on. Even if none of them knew it before…they would notice me being depressed. Someone would find out. _Someone would_ _find out._

…_But what about that mark on Starfire's door?_ I asked myself. _What did _that_ mean? Is she marked for something? Is that hooded man going to come and attack her? And how is Slade involved in all this, anyway?_

Too many questions. I wiped the tears from my eyes and forced myself into a rather unstable standing position, rubbing at my chin and wincing as I saw a red stain appear on my glove. Blood. It figured. "…I have to go back," I muttered to myself, shaking my head and slicking my hair back. "They'll ask questions if I don't. Okay." I closed my eyes; took a deep breath and let it out slowly. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end for some strange reason; a weird, dark scent drifted into my nostrils. "Relax, Beast Boy. You can do this. Only a few hours until you can go to bed and worry about it some more. Tough it out, dude. Just tough it out."

"_Things will be better soon,_" a soft, breathy voice reassured me, making my eyes snap open. I swore that I felt icy fingers caress my neck for a split-second before I whirled around, wide-eyed, to find no one there with me. I shuddered violently, paranoid and freaked out. I couldn't tell any of them about this, could I? Because I was never here. I never ran off.

_Damnit_.

I ground my teeth and morphed into a pterodactyl, zipping down in between the buildings and landing sloppily beside the museum. I ran out front and took my place beside an unsuspecting Starfire just as Cyborg and Raven burst out of the building. They too gathered around Robin, who rose from his spot on the ground looking very dissatisfied about something.

"Did you find anything else?" he asked Cy and Rae quickly, "another note or anything like that?"

"Nah, man," Cy murmured, cracking his knuckles with a weird, metallic crunch. His eyes focused on me, and I struggled to ignore them, even when I felt his gaze turn from that of discontent to one of concern and confusion. "…Beast Boy…you're bleeding. Dude…what happened?"

All of their eyes sped to my face.

_Oh, no._

"I…I just…I fell. It's nothing," I growled, half-truthfully, and I could tell that none of them _really_ believed that this was the whole story. Raven, however, seemed the most concerned that I was lying. Her strong purple eyes stayed fixated on me, even as Robin turned hesitantly back to the bombs. He looked older, his face creased with lines of worry and stress. I swiped at my chin and wiped the blood off angrily. Starfire was _looking_ at him.

He sighed heavily. "These are done. There's nothing else here, then, if you two didn't find anything…" he looked very unhappy. "…Damnit…all right, then, Raven, let's head back…"

It was like it had been last night. Raven muttered her magic words and became a great, dark bird, enveloping us all and soaring back toward the tower. Within her void, I curled in on myself, alone and in pain.

_Things will be better soon._

I ran my fingers over the dark bruise on my jaw and doubted those words.

* * *

I told them all that I was tired and I needed to be alone for a while when we got back to the tower. They all watched me walk down the back hallway with concerned expressions, and I heard them talking about me even as I turned the first corner. I had a feeling that they would be sending someone in to talk to me, and I had an even _greater_ feeling that that someone would be either Raven or Robin. 

For Robin's sake, I hoped it would be Raven. I didn't know if I could stand to even _look_ at him anymore without sleeping on it, first.

Walking down the empty hallway, I wrapped my arms around myself and ground my teeth together, biting back the tears that threatened my eyes, now. _I had known…I had known this would happen…it shouldn't hurt like this…it shouldn't be this bad..._But all I could think about was his handsome face; his warm hands; his enchanting scent. His beautiful body. He was perfect in every way, and I couldn't just _let him go_ like that. He was bound to me, now, and if I tried to just drop him, my lifelines would be severed, and I would be damaged beyond repair.

I buried my face in my hands and turned into my room, locking the door behind myself and leaving the light off. Enough light was making its way in through my window; coming in and invading my territory. Just like Starfire was. I shuddered and hated how everything in the world seemed to somehow remind me of the two of them being together. I collapsed on my bed and my fingers sought the glove beneath my pillow, tangling with it and dragging it to my chest. I pressed it into my broken heart and started to cry.

Robin, you hurt me so bad…but I still love you more than anything… 

How in the hell would I face him tomorrow, I wondered? How would I be able to spar with him if the mere _thought_ of him now brought me to tears? I wondered if I would be able to convince him that I wasn't feeling good, and that we should delay our little agreement for a few more weeks. I doubted it. He was too smart for me to outwit like that.

I heard my door unlock and open, and had no time to react; I curled into a tighter ball and spat: "_Go AWAY!_" clutching the glove into me as if it meant my life or death. There was a brief pause, and then the door slid shut once more. Then the air staled, the sunshine faltered, and I felt her demonic presence behind me.

"…I need to talk to you," she said in that biting, monotonous voice of hers. I didn't acknowledge her, and she sat on my bed, staring at me. "…You think I can't see it, but I can. There's something strange going on between you and Robin. And if you want help, all I can say is that _I_ can help you. But first you need to tell me exactly what's happening with you and him."

I sniffed and loved her for not leaving me alone. "…N-nothing, now. It's over. He b-broke it."

"Beast Boy," she said, and it sent an icicle shooting down my spine. "…Obviously you're not okay with that, are you? Whatever _was_ happening…you want it to come back. But now you're too upset by the fact that it's gone to _do_ anything about it."

"…R-right." I pulled the glove under me, so that she couldn't see it. She was very quiet for about a minute, and then I felt her long, sharp fingers on my shoulder.

"…I need you to talk to me, Beast Boy. Tell me what's hurting you like this."

I rolled over and looked at her, wishing she could have just reassured me that things would be okay and then let me cry against her shoulder. I sniffed again and wiped my nose. "I came in h-here because I don't _w-want_ to talk about it," I told her angrily; her mouth remained an emotionless line on her pale face, her gray lips untainted by feeling, though her eyes swirled with doubt and question. My eyes narrowed and filled again; tears crept past my eyelids. "…It's about h-him and Star, _okay?_"

Raven stared at me for several long, laborious seconds, and then she bowed her head, her fingers grasping my skin for a brief moment in her own version of comfort. She looked very deep in thought for a while, staring down at my bed, and then her eyes met mine once more, sad and deep and dark. "…Is that why you ran off earlier? Because he was comforting her, and you smelled her on him?"

My eyes widened in disbelief. How could she _do_ that…?

"Were you afraid that they had kissed?"

I blushed and hid my face in my bed sheets, murmuring out a confirmation. I felt the pressure of her eyes leave me and wander instead to my windows. "…They didn't kiss. I was there, I saw it. You know that Starfire wouldn't do that, anyway. It's not…in her nature. She was just feeling uneasy about being outside so soon after that sign appeared on her door, and Robin hugged her and kissed her, _one time_, quickly, on her cheek. It was all comforting, though, and nothing sparked between them when he did it. But tell me, Beast Boy…why would you be concerned about something like that, anyway?"

I trembled against my mattress and said nothing, wishing she would stop prying into me like that. Her arm traced across my belly and her fingers closed around Robin's glove, hidden beneath me. She pulled the wrinkled gauntlet out and set it beside her on the bed, staring down at it with pained eyes. I made no move to retrieve it.

…_She knows everything, doesn't she? She just wants me to admit it_, I realized, and for some reason, now, it was okay. Because she wasn't freaking out about it, I suppose. I turned over once more and managed to look at the blur of dark blue and white that was her face, liquid streaming down my cheeks. She lowered her head again and closed her eyes solemnly.

"…I know there's more to this than you'd like to tell me…but you know that I want to and _can_ help you. I can sense it," she sighed, keeping her face down. I choked on a sob and sat up, and she looked at me. When our gazes met, I, strangely enough, felt a wave of pure warmth wash over me. I fell forward and locked my arms around her.

"…I…I kuh-can't stop th-thinking about him," I sobbed, dripping tears onto her cloak. "…H-he's b-buh-beautiful, Rae, and I w-want him, but S-Starfire has him, and I j-just…oh, _G-God…_I l-love him, Raven…but you can't m-make it better…n-no one can make it b-buh-better but _h-h-him…_"

She was quiet for a long, long time, sitting there stiffly with my arms wrapped around her torso and her hands limp at her sides. I could almost feel the air around us quivering as she thought, as if her brain activity were sending subtle gusts of energy through the room. I trembled and quaked against her, wishing that things could've been different between us a year ago, when I had wanted _her_, instead. I felt her hands come to rest upon my shoulders, and she patted my hair hesitantly; even this was a surprise. Our relationship—hell, Rae's relationship with _anyone_—had never really been very physical. She wasn't a very touchy-feely kind of girl, and maybe, I thought, _that_ was why she had never liked me back. Because I _enjoyed_ the thought of hugging and kissing, and didn't cringe away from the mere idea of sex, unlike her. Her hands were icy cold through the fabric of my uniform, stinging icicles that I never wanted to leave me, because I would never have the alternative warmth of Robin's fingers that I so craved.

"…You love him," she echoed me softly, and I felt her fingers trail down my arm, to curl around my own. I squeezed her hand back, and she bent down and pressed her cheek into my scalp, sighing sadly. I could feel her negative energy, emanating off of her and out into my room. My breath nearly left my mouth in wisps, it was so cold around us. She shook her head slowly. "…You do realize…that you have no chance with him whatsoever, so long as he's in love with Starfire?"

I nodded, wanting him, wishing he had come in instead of her. Her eyes found his glove again, and her chest rose and fell in a pattern synonymous with a sigh. "You can't keep that. He's bound to notice that it's missing."

"So wuh-w-_what_," I growled, and it was not a question in any way. "Maybe if he r-really wants it back, he'll kuh-k-come in here and f-find it, and then I'll h-have a r-r-_reason_ to tell him how I fuh-f-feel."

"You have a reason, anyway," she whispered, smoothing down a stray lock of green hair. My heart had never felt so raw, before. "…The feelings exist in the first place. That's reason enough to scream it to him every single day for the rest of his life. Believe me, Beast Boy, you can't keep things like this bottled up inside. Love is the one emotion that should _not_ be suppressed, because it's the one that causes you the most pain, if you _do_ keep it inside."

I clung to her as if she were a life preserver, and my room were filling up with water. "…And what do _y-you_ know about l-luh-love, Raven?" I asked her bitterly, and miraculously enough, I felt her smiling down at me. I looked up into her pretty face.

"…I think that everyone in this tower has had feelings for Robin, at some point," she said quietly, and at that moment, her voice was the most beautiful, dulcet thing I had ever heard before in my life. "…Even Cyborg. I mean…I get it…what's not to like about him, right? He's strong, he's smart, he's loyal, he's trustworthy, he's handsome…he has everything that people want out of a lover. And best of all, he _knows_ how desirable he is, and yet he doesn't brag about it at all. He treats everyone with respect and caring, and takes everyone in as his brother or sister."

"Except for _me_," I contradicted her, wiping my nose, and her eyebrows furrowed. "He's always t-treated me like _dirt._ And he's said h-h-himself that he doesn't believe I'm always able enough t-to help you guys fight the bad guys off. He doesn't buh-b-believe that it's p-possible for me to be serious about fuh-fighting crime. But it _is._ And still, he's m-making me prove it t-to him by sparring with him t-t-tomorrow. If I can h-hit him _once_, he'll t-trust me and l-let me fight."

She was quiet for a few seconds, just staring down at me, and I couldn't stand the silence.

"That's all I w-want, Rae. I just w-want to be _g-good_ enough for him. B-because if I _am…_then maybe th-the heartache will leave me the h-hell _alone._"

…She sighed again and pulled me into her, actually _embracing_ me. I closed my eyes into her shoulder and loved her dearly. "…Beast Boy…I'm no expert on Robin…but believe me, he _does_ respect you, maybe the most out of us all. Everyone else sees it. When he looks at you, he just has this…_light_ that goes on, in his face, in his smile…he cares a lot for you, and he does hold you in high esteem, whether or not you realize it. He just…doesn't let you fight all the time…because he doesn't want you to get hurt. He's just trying to protect you."

"Yeah, well, s-sometimes I just wish he'd _b-buh-back off_," I growled, sniffing. She smelled like rotting flesh and wandering souls. "I'm n-not a baby."

"Then prove it to him," she whispered, patting my hand a final time before she rose from my bed. She flipped her hood up and stared at me with that dark, strangely angelic face of hers, a faint smile gracing her lips. "Tomorrow, when you spar with him…I know as well as you do that there's almost no way that you'll get a punch in edgewise. So if you'd like me to…I'll come in and…_watch._"

I stared at her; wiped my eyes. "…Y-you…you mean you'd use y-your powers to h-help me _ch-cheat?_"

"I'd help you prove to him that you're more able than he thinks. I know you're a strong fighter, Beast Boy. You shouldn't have to do this to earn his trust on the battlefield." She waved at me vaguely before turning around and drifting ominously toward my doorway. I watched her the whole way.

"…R-Raven!" I called to her, and she stopped for a moment, looking over at me again. I swallowed my tears thickly. "…I…I mean…_th-thank_ you…"

She nodded at me and left me alone, and I fell back into my pillows as the door closed behind her, staring up at the ceiling. I grabbed Robin's glove and kissed it. My heart certainly felt much lighter, but now I had to worry about him finding out about Rae helping me to beat him tomorrow.

…_Oh, God…when does it END?_


End file.
